Secret Pop

Oct 4, 2002

"I long for the days they used to say, 'Ma'am,' and , 'Yes, sir.'"

I have been feeling this incredible burst of musical creativity. Creativity. It's weird to think of that. I always used to see my violin as an implement for interpreting. But never creating. All of a sudden, I am making things entirely new and feeling a kind of confidence and enthusiasm and curiosity that is sort of heavenish. I am playing with more confidence and a sense of belonging. And I like it. I also have marvelous acoustics in my apartment. That makes it all the more difficult to resist the urge to play all the time. Even if it's just a way of getting back at my upstairs neighbors for putting golfballs around on the wood floors in the wee hours.

Sometimes I worry that I am just going through the motions. I didn't indulge myself too shamelessly today. I made sacrifices. I fulfilled the wants of others. I juggled. Like I do. But I have also not yet found that balance between getting everything you want and giving everything you can. It's always a bit confusing for me because what I want most of the time is to be giving more. And that spoils the whole equation.

I still wish I was a ballroom dancer. I'm sure I'll always wish that.

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