Secret Pop

Jun 19, 2003

Love, Loss, Impotence

My uncle passed away this morning. The announcement filled me with a familiar but unexpected grief. And a helpless compassion for my father and the rest of my family. I am angry at myself for being so ignorant as to assume everything would be okay. And I can't stop thinking I should have tried to call more times than I did. There are so many things I should have done. It's easy to mistake tears of sadness for tears of guilt and shame. And that is a cruel border to cross.

Whatever the sort, the tears keep coming. In unexpected waves. I can no longer count the number of days I awoke with no idea what sort of pain and disappointment was in store. It makes it difficult to proceed without the overcaution of recently burned fingers.

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