"I never said I was frightened of dying."

Smoke in the fireplace. Traces on the plaster. Dark sooty black on the arched ceilings of the little alcoves in the walls. Candles burning. Smoke everywhere.

It got cold all of a sudden. Even little droplets of rain found their way down. It got cold again is probably more accurate. It got cold again.

I wonder if I can be good at this.

Reflective surfaces get all smudgy. Smooth becomes sticky. Hot becomes cold becomes warm becomes cold again. I bought new red gloves while I was doing my holiday shopping. Sometimes they are nice to have around. It's good to be prepared when things take a chilly turn.

I'm refusing to be stymied by the little setbacks. But refusal is a state of mind. And it has this knack of taking on the color of a temper tantrum. I don't want to be pounding the ground with my fists. I don't want to be kicking and screaming. But I don't want to take it all lying down either. And I don't know what I'm talking about. My thoughts are choppy like sinister waves. I'm fixing to sink ships.

There are a number of things I almost did this week. A number of places I almost went. I'm sorry it didn't all make the desk calendar. I wanted to see Space Is the Place. I wanted to see seksu roba. I wanted to go to a number of parties and meet up with a number of friends. But the singular nature of my existence requires me to pick and choose. And it was hard to enjoy any of it. Too many things weighing on me at the moment. Too many stresses and fears and responsibilities and circumstances careening out of my control. Sometimes you just have to strap in and hope that you don't break anything vital on impact.

Last week's episode of Malcolm in the Middle had this exchange in it:

Malcolm: That's not what this is about. Ronnie's a lesbian.

Mom: Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian if you tucked in your shirt once
in a while.

Malcolm: I'm just trying to help her. She doesn't deserve this. She went to
all the trouble to express something in a way that's actually good and now
she's being silenced by a bunch of stupid arbitrary people for stupid
arbitrary reasons, and I just think that's wrong.

Dad: Son, you don't want to come on that strong. That might be what turned
her gay in the first place.

It made me laugh out loud. And remember why I began liking the show in the first place. There is value in that. Remembering why you began liking something. It plays a hand in keeping you youthful and in touch with the many different versions of yourself that you have been. It's all well and good that we evolve and that our feelings change and our wants alter themselves, but it's a shame to let go of it all entirely. It's like making all of your footprints in disappearing ink.



If you can hear this whispering you are dying.