Secret Pop

May 1, 2003

The Balance of Power

I finally started taking care of some things I had been allowing to sit in that festering way. I felt this wave of relief come over me -- despite the fact that the problems will not be resolved for months and months to come. It's just the trick that happens when you face your fears and they don't actually destroy you.

So, for a moment, I felt mighty. And a flush came to my cheeks and an eagerness to my fingers. And I wanted to start fixing everything that's wrong. Destiny has a cotton candy quality here on the first of May. And it's almost a sort of letdown when you realize that it's not the end of the world.

The more I worry about how you perceive me, the less you perceive me as I would want you to.

For the record, I am holding up the sky with one uplifted hand. I am soft -- marshmallowy soft -- but with sharp edges, well-placed. So many things fascinate and distract me that I am dizzy and fatigued by it. I can't possibly cram it all in. My brain -- my heart -- can only hold so much. But as I feel them swelling, I approach contentment. I was always taught the pleasure and the prize of fullness. There are few things I do in the absence of regret. The self-assessment is on me like a fever. I shouldn't have. I could have done it better. I wouldn't if it had been Wednesday. But I see you being better than me, and I admire you for it. All of you. I aim for you. Aspire to you. Sit close so I can absorb you a little bit. And I wonder if I ever lay that sensation on anyone else. It seems so very me. And so very like a failing.

I am goosebumpy with excitement and the cold. But denouement and sweaters linger round the corner. It pays to savor the chill.

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