Secret Pop

Mar 10, 2003

"I'm so tall, can't get over me."

Among the search terms used to call up my web site this past month were the following:

"pork mary forrest"
"36-25-36 filipino"
"red light district"
"eternal punishment"
"a poem of the mahabharata"

My interest in this is purely scientific.

I check my email often. And I'm beginning to notice my self-esteem being affected by the contents of my inbox. When a slew of emails with subject lines like "Gingivitis? Bleeding gums? Gum disease?" or "Don't keep psoriasis a secret!" show up, I ask myself whether a friend anonymously added me to some list in the hopes of alerting me to a problem I need to take care of. Or what about the ones that ask if I'm a homeowner? No, I'm not actually. Do I really have to feel like I'm not financially successful enough to read this piece of unsolicited email advertising just because I don't meet that criterion? I've also noticed there are new deceptive tactics being employed by email advertisers. I keep getting emails from actual food items. The sender field will read "Red Beans and Rice" or "Lobster Bisque," which causes me to feel tempted to open the emails. What might "Pear Custard Tart" have to say to me today? Is "Turkey Tetrazini" concerned about whether we will go to war? Have I said or done something to offend "Chicken Pot Pie?" I'm so reluctant to get tricked into opening an email I don't want to read, I have actually discarded electronic gift certificates sent to me by friends. There's a baby/bath water analogy in there somewhere.

The past few days were tip top. And The Fifth Element is playing on TV, so today continues the ruling trend. I feel lucky. As if I am the keeper of a wonderful secret.

Part of that secret -- the not-so-wonderful part -- is that I just hit my head really hard again. This time on the mantel, as I was reaching for a log for the fire. There is a purplish bruise beginning to form on my forehead. Someday, science will determine that -- had it not been for this most recent bump to the braincase -- I would have discovered a replacement for fossil fuel. It's a good thing for the Middle East that I'm as clumsy as I am. That was a close one. For them.

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