Secret Pop

Dec 6, 2003

"Trust your judgment, luck is with you."

So the week ends. More paintings finished. More messes made and tidied. Outings and innings. Ups and downs. Warm reassurances and things to look forward to. All of a sudden this whirlwind of deadlines and possibilities. Tomorrow could be so many things. A new job. A new class. A new form to fill out. I have this strange feeling inside. This anxious feeling. I can't tell if it hurts. Or if it's just my heart. If it's just me not finding calm. Or if it's me being hungry. Or if it's too much iced coffee and too few cocktails. Something is dancing in my chest cavity. Like a little ray of light.

I often feel caged in by what lies ahead. I can't let myself feel this now because of what I have to do tomorrow. I can't give in to this today because of what's expected of me. I exercise all of this discipline. But I don't give myself credit for it. While I am living up to things, I pretend I am a prisoner. I don't get high marks in congratulating myself when my exploits are grand. Or even when I just deserve a pat on the back for being a nice girl.

I have plans for being pretty tomorrow. Even that presses on me. I will feel anxious. And I will run out of time. And it will be like that moment when you imagine someone raising the curtain on you when you're not on your mark. The dream when you show up at school without your pants. I will probably just resign myself to it. That's how it usually goes. And in the dream, as embarrassed as I am, no one else seems to notice. They all act like I'm wearing plenty of pants. Two or three pair in some cases. So what's the big deal?

I feel as if I am floating in a dream of a white sky. But I want to come down. I want certainty and firmament. In place of wide-eyed anticipation and the strange monotony that comes from always expecting to be surprised and always being wrong about it.

It's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world.

No comments: