Secret Pop

Dec 4, 2003

"Sad as a gypsy serenading the moon..."

When a day is lovely, it passes without rousing me. When there is no great care to wail over, the quiet goes unmarked. When things are calm, it is easy to take them for granted. When the steps you take are easy, it's easy to forget you're taking them. And always, I am moving forward. Whether with the wind or against it. Always, I am pressing on. Even when I am not counting. I once likened myself to Sisyphus. But these days, I feel the boulder at my back. Chasing me. And the slope of the hill is near cresting. And I am about to feel the race upon me. When I go from a Lady Sisyphus to a Lady Indiana Jones. Stopping only to take pictures.

I prefer it when things are easy. But then I don't. I want the peace of knowing. The certainty of repetition. The trust that comes from a lack of surprise. The trust that comes from always. But then I don't. I want the freedom to feel this. Whatever it is. I want to climb back into the incubator. Slide deep into the agar at the bottom of the dish and get set for life to do what life does. The ugly tangents of creation. The offal of regeneration. Make me. Unmake me. Fix me. Solve me. Heal me.

When I finish a puzzle, I don't set it with glue. I break it apart and put it back in the box and shake it for a while. And then I put it away and wait until it becomes unfamiliar enough to be a challenge all over again.

These days are unfamiliar. A December I haven't yet had. With plans being reset and perceptions remade. I saw away at the strings of this December, finding melodies that are new, rhythms untraversed. Fingers sore from playing. Violin metaphors. The sun has been shining on a mild sort of Los Angeles. But I can imagine a wintrier winter. Snowfall and the snoring of sleeping bears. The sort of birds that only appear in holiday greeting cards, sitting on snow-covered tree branches. It can be as cold as I like. As warm as I like. I can find a remedy for chapped lips and a scratchy throat. In the icy cold of an imaginary winter, your heartbeat slows and sleep comes easily. And it is advisable not to be still for too long. Lest you freeze altogether and at last.

I bought holiday cards today. I will be impressed all to crazy if I manage to send any of them out.

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