First Light

Dawn greys my windows. I've been up for an hour or so. Watching it. Reading things online. Looking for something but not sure what. Judging myself all the while. When I first walked past the windows in my dining room, I looked outside and noticed that it was still completely dark. A lighted billboard on the horizon gave the false impression of dawn. I had a brief thought about the onset of daylight savings. And Halloween.

Some things are still new to me. Some things that have gotten old are still a surprise. I forget sometimes what it's been like. All that has happened. And I chastise myself for not memorializing the losses. Forgetting is tantamount to forgiving. And who ever thought that was a good idea.