Secret Pop

Aug 16, 2002

Wanting What You've Got

I've been steeped in a flood of memories for a spell. I've been trying to dig in and find the root of it -- perhaps to snuff it out. I'm not sure. I feel my fingers searching, grasping. Life is strange. The way it just spills out. The way it just happens. It makes a girl wonder if she should get a manicure.

I take meaning from things and feel cheated when others miss it or when the meaning they take is different. As personal a thing as insight may be, I wish it could be shared effortlessly. I wish it could just be painted across someone's consciousness like a great swath of understanding. Something mutual. Something reachable.

As much as I wince when the sentiment hits, I wonder if I could like a version of me that was free of it. Sometimes I remember things that don't matter. But mostly I remember the things that matter more than anything. And the very thought of them is nearly too much to bear.

Today began grey and gloomy. Something I haven't seen in a while. I am anxious. Filled with anticipation and maybe fear about what is to come. Sometimes it feels as if my future is coming for me like a piano from the sky.

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